This is to one friend of mine who had been through some terrible hardships but no one could ever seem to understand him or help. Me included. For that, I am sorry. Our situation might not be the same but I understand you now more than ever.
Life can be a roller-coaster sometimes, it has its ups and lows. Some days you get lazy and tired to engage in anything fun and then, on the other hand, some days you are full of life and excited about any new project coming your way. Those dull days are, often times by many, called depression. Feeling low or sad for a day or two is not it though. Are you wondering how depression feels like?
Imagine you have this little flame inside of you. Burning steadily, keeping you going and overall, keeping you fit into the daily rhythm and stereotypes including brushing your teeth, eating, sleeping and so forth. And imagine that someone sneaks upon you from behind and blows this flame down, just like a candle on a birthday cake. And it feels empty and truly hollow. You know that something is missing but you cannot figure out why and how it happened. All days suddenly spill out into one huge and grey substance with no shape and no ending or beginning. You feel desperate and lost but there is seemingly no way out. Everything is like in a fog.
Often times, you find yourself crying for no real reason as anxiety is creeping upon you. Someone responded to you in a rude way, someone did not respond in a way you wanted or not at all. Or maybe you just ran out of milk or you missed your bus. Watching your tears pouring down on your messy shirt is a new normal.
You can’t focus on anything. You lost all interest and all you can manage and want to do is sleep – hoping it will hush the dark clouds. It feels like being locked in a small cube, hitting wall from side to side spinning in circles in a terribly slow motion. You can sleep for hours and still wake up tired as never before.
But the worst thing is that you cannot keep up with the social life. You try to turn away from all your loved ones because they can’t seem to understand. Knowing you will only hurt them or blame them or spread the negativity you live in right now. There is no way you could share their excitement and happiness at this moment. You cannot keep the conversation going without digging deep into the problems you are facing. You cannot avoid trying to blame the incorrect people, wanting to push everyone away and stay all by yourself in silent, locked away from everyone and everything.
It also feels somehow heavy. Like a massive rock is pulling your insides down. Like someone is standing on your chest, barely leaving you any space to breathe. Depression is not dreamy or exciting and it is not a rainy cold week spent in bed. It comes silently from behind and takes several difficult months to leave. It is inconspicuous but dangerous. Those crazy thoughts are crossing your mind while starring out of a window for hours. Should you abandon everything or should you try to push against it one more time? Is it worth it, I am worth it? Will it go away tomorrow or in a half year time? Will it ever?
BUT I KNOW, depression is not me. The person I am under its influence is not who I am. The real me does not want to say all those bad and hurtful things to you, it does not want to argue or dwell on stupid things. The real me does not want to push everyone out and surely does not want to spend days locked away. The real me has dreams and aspirations and so much love to give, it loves to smile, make plans and talk about future. It’s the shadow following me which does not allow me to be who I really am.
What’s normally just fine is now hopeless and lost. What’s normally my favorite is now tasteless and dull. What’s normally me is now only my shadow. Bare with me, I will come back. This cloud will pass again.