How To Get An Open Fracture Of The Heart

It‘s terrifying how only one single moment can change everything. The moment you look into these wild and beautiful dark chocolate eyes and you simply know that you will never see something so flawless ever again. And there’s nothing you will want more than to wake up looking into them every single day for the rest of your life.

Be foolishly unaware and fall for those eyes. Fall for them deeper and deeper, open your heart and soul, let them make you believe. Let them help you fly and then knock you down to your knees for the first time and the second and twentieth time. Stand up again and again, persuade your heart that they actually didn’t mean it. Start hoping again, start imagining, or actually never stop hoping and imagining, making up false signals and gestures, start daydreaming. And then sadly watch yourself slowly dying, dying inside for somebody who doesn’t love you back. And never will. However, it’s not their fault.

And I simply fell for you like autumn leafs. And again and again, with every single second more and more. With no exact reason and no rational explanation.

You first try to deny it, then try to hide it. Persuade yourself that it’s not real, almost fool yourself into believing it, only until you see those eyes again though. Then you wish it never happened, desperately trying to stop it, to fall out of love. Unsuccessfully.

It happens to everybody, at least once. Whether you admit it or not, there’s no way around it.

You start building those beautiful fragile air castles. Painting future on the inner side of your skull and writing your imaginary stories in a language only you can understand.

You see those eyes everywhere. You can‘t sleep, half daydreaming struggling throughout foggy days one by one. Living in another world, a better world. You’re not the one in control of your own emotions and frantic mood changes anymore. You breathe to the rhythm of their lead. For days, weeks, months..

And then, when you’re finally able to keep your head up for a while – instead of running as far as you can, closing all the doors, burning bridges and moving on – you come back to the crime scene just to play this old shabby game all over again. Painfully opening wounds just for, maybe “this time” ‘s sake.

Somehow it seems like you never learn and never change. Repeatedly stepping into the same stream dragging you inside the sick spiral of one-way attempts. Like you cannot quit smoking even though you’ve tried so many times in so many ways, like you cannot lose weight for loving chocolate so much. Just like you cannot stop the melting guts feeling while looking into those eyes. You cannot stop these butterflies fluttering deep down your belly and the sudden desert in your mouth. Your heart will probably always leap a bit when you look into them. The same way like you will always lose your breath for a while when they look into yours.

And you struggle with the panic of how to not lose them, all while feeling God damn sure somewhere deep inside that this will never work. Although somewhere even deeper there is a small sparkle of hope that will never allow you to completely let it go.

However, even open fracture will heal one day. It may hurt during rainy days sometimes. It will certainly leave scars but one day, you will just wake up one morning being able to step into a brand new day with no more fear and tears. Ready to look this person in the eyes when you accidentally meet after years and just smile. Smile about what it taught you and smile about the fact, that even your precious heart is just a muscle, ready to recover again.

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