Chasing fictional rainbows

At some point, not reaching your goals or dreams doesn’t necessarily mean that you are weak..

Sometimes, you are just slowly but surely walking this path towards it, but somewhere along the way you realise, that you’re walking in a wrong direction. That you have been misled and this is not your dream anymore, the magic has simply fizzled out.It‘s not what gets you going so there’s no need to chase that imagination any longer. It would just keep you away from what’s really important for your heart right now.

When your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough
When your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.

Some dreams stay, some of them don’t. I wanted to be a doctor when I was little. I wanted to help people cure their cough and bleeding noses. Sadly, couple of years later, I came to the revelation that I actually can’t stand seeing blood because it makes me sick and hospitals evoke me a depression. Definitely not a good way to go.

Then I always thought that what I want the most was to be the best. I (foolishly) wanted to be one of the top floorball players in the world for so long. But it took me good couple of years to figure out that it actually wasn’t what would make me happy the most. It consumed lots of my time, energy and effort till that time. And then I somehow realised that I wanted to be so good just to get the opportunity to travel and play all around the world. And that I can also be completely without floorball while travelling. Such a spin-off, damn..

I also always wanted to go to Australia. I still remember how much I looked up (or rather down) to this part of the world every time I finger-travelled on a map. Dunno why but this continent with the famous red sand, made-for-surfers waves and the Opera House had always been a tempting adventure for me. I was obsessed about going there like 4 years ago, at least for couple of months. I almost made up a plan to get there. But then so many things happened and I had to put this dream on the side track, not being sure if it‘s even ever attainable for me. It seemed so unreal that I almost forgot about wanting that. But guess what, 2013/14 was the best time of my life. And where was it? In Sydney, Australia! It wasn’t easy, it took a long time to wait for it but it was worth every second. I didn’t give up on that dream. Simply because I felt deep inside that it was something I still wanted. Nothing is instant, for some things you have to be tenacious.

So it was pretty obvious that travelling was it. It did and still does make me happy 200%, no matter where I go or regardless the actual purpose. Then I started to dream about studying and living in Sweden. I created this pretty certain imagination in my head about how my life is gonna look like once I’m there for good. I worked on that almost 3 years, I started to take Swedish lessons, I tried to meet as many Swedes as I could, I read everything about Sweden and got familiar with all their brands and products (read: I went to IKEA for their meatballs every weekend..;)). But when the time had come, something has changed. Actually, I even got admitted by one of the universities there. But when it came to the decision, I realised that it’s not what I would want any longer. I didn‘t feel like it should be some kind of a big disappointment in my life to retreat from that dream. I just came to terms with things the way they were. If it’s not something I want anymore, maybe I should not be now chasing some faded conception which once used to be my dreamed future. I don’t perceive that like I gave up just because of my account balance or fear. I achieved what I wanted, I got admitted. But at the moment I was reading the results, it didn’t have the longed-for effect of finally getting something you’ve been craving for so long. On the contrary, it made me evaluate, contemplate and mostly reassess my objectives. I found that the picture of me packing a big luggage to start my life from scratch again in a cold Swedish north was no longer a happy picture. It made me feel gloomily and anxiously. I started to evaluate my financial situation, things I wanted to achieve at that moment and the result was no. I had to say no. Not like this, not at this moment.  This future was not my dream future anymore, my dreams and aims have changed. Not because I would not be strong and courageous enough to achieve them, not because I would be impatient that it took so long. Not even because I would be a fleeting person or an opinion changer, no. I honestly don’t know the exact reason. I think I simply grew up, moved on again and most of all I have changed. We are all changing and between my current myself and the person who I used to be three years ago is an undisputable difference, a huge gap. Gap full of experience, new people, memories, challenges, successes but also failures and mistakes and each one of them had a huge influence on the little girl with big dreams.

Who knows, maybe if this came a year ago, I would have been in Sweden now. Maybe, I will change my mind and realise that this is what I want again and I will wind up in the north in the future. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe not. Who’s to say?

I just wanted to share my thoughts.. Do not give up on your dreams just because you think you can’t reach them now or just because it seems impossible or difficult. If it’s your future, it can wait a while. Besides, luck and chances always walk along. But on the other hand, do not dedicate your life chasing something you only think is right or something you once wanted and now you just dare not to admit that it’s not your ambition anymore. I know it’s sometimes easier to stick to one aim only, simply because you don’t believe you can achieve more. Right? Well.. Nope.

Do what you want right now. Always. Follow the vision you see yourself in today. You chasing your dreams now means no regrets chasing you later on.

Besides, if you do what you like and it doesn’t work out in the end (and of course that can happen), at least you were doing something you enjoyed.


Slightly going through a storm now but always chasing a rainbow

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