Fear?

So it‘s your last two weeks here and then it’s all over. You’re going back home.“

Jenny said with this melancholy face. Or maybe she was just gloomy or extremely tired like she’s been quite a lot recently. Sometimes I’m just having a hard time to read her expressions.

Yeah, seems like it.“ I ‚knowingly‘ answered, not being really sure how I actually feel about it.

Are you scared?“

Somehow.. I didn’t expect this question at all. From all the questions she could have asked, she chose this one. And made me think about something that has never came to my mind before.

And that was the time I realised I actually am. I am scared to go home. Even the idea of having to say good-bye to my current life is making me tremble. I’m scared to go home more than I was before leaving to Australia. It seemed to me so easy. I just felt excited. Excited about everything what was going to come. I simply wasn’t afraid of anything whatsoever. Everything gets sorted somehow – that was my approach. But now? I have no clue what’s gonna happen. I feel like I’m not ready to leave everything here for good yet (or at least for a damn long time). And what’s more, I’m not ready to return back to the stereotype.

I’m not even sure what I’m fearing the most. Is it the loss of independence? Commitments? Boredom? Flatness? Stereotype? A little bit of everything.

It’s like, how do you know what is right at the moment? Is there something wrong with my heart or is it simply the heart of a traveler? It was only few days ago. We were just landing back in Sydney after a short holiday when the pilot said:

First of all for those of you who are here for a business trip or a holiday, I wish you a pleasant stay. And to all of you who live in Sydney, welcome back home!

home?! What does the home actually mean? Is it people? A place which makes you feel happy, special? If so, then I’m home elsewhere. Everywhere. I’m so far from the home I was born to that I almost can’t go any further but I still feel more home than I’ve ever felt. Strange. It’s all about the perspective.

I love this city, incredibly much. I will miss it, not like I won’t. It made me feel like reaching the sky every single day. It helped me find myself, grow, become independent. I struggled, I laughed, I marveled and remained speechless. I met awesome people, saw wonderful places and did amazing things. Lesson learnt, for that I’m thankful. But nothing lasts forever though. I’m scared to go back, not to leave. You never know what’s around the corner.

Well, I guess it’s time to move on again!

Vero

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